Why Cold Approach Can Hurt You and How to Approach Properly
I'm sure you clicked on this article thinking how cold approach can hurt your chances with women?
"Wait, Adam, you said in conquer your fears that you MUST face your fears of cold approach!"
Yes, brothers, I admit fully that this article may seem contradictory to what you have heard from me. However, there is a DARK SIDE to cold approach.
And that is you hurt your chances with women. Brother's, I am speaking from reference experiences that cold approach can hurt you in the dating game.
Let's get right to it, shall we?...
What I Learned Approaching 100 Women
Brother's, here's what I learned through cold approach... Girls are guarded. Not only are they guarded but they will not shy away from telling you how they feel.
So, here's how I reframed the situation... The game gives you HONEST FEEDBACK.
Simply put, there are four defense mechanisms I learned about through approaching all of them.
And yes, I did dance with some of them at the night clubs, which means there was some dirty dancing, HOWEVER, this is about cold approach. That's for a different article.
Let's get down to the four defense mechanisms I learned about through all of the girls I conversed with:
- Insecure & guarded
- Insecure & not guarded
- Secure & guarded
- Secure & not guarded
You need to know about all four. And you need how to cold approach properly.
The Four Defense Mechanisms
Secure & Guarded
How to know she's secure - She doesn't look around to others for approval. She's in her own world. She knows and believes in her values.
How to know she's guarded - She's not entirely open to meeting new people. Her body language faces away from people she didn't come with.
This type of girl needs more CHALLENGING vibes than fun. You know about the principle of fun & challenging right? Listen to my podcast, I'm not going in detail.
The reason she has her guard up, you don't want to let her know your intentions too early and because her guards are up, she went out that night to shoot guys down who try her. So if you talk to this type, be indirect with her.
How to Cold Approach = Be indirect and be a challenge. "Just so you know I came here with the intention of not giving my number out to anyone so I am completely neutral about how good your game is with me, I'm not that easy."
Secure & Not Guarded
How to Know She's Secure - She doesn't look around to others for approval. Same as above. She has no issue teasing & engage in playful banter. If she teases and it's malicious, she's insecure.
How to Know She's Not Guarded - You see her socializing with lots of different people. She's probably smiling a lot and having a good time.
BE WARNED: This type of girl is the kind of girl that can make you think she's into you, but she's really not that in to you and just a fucking tease. And I can guarantee you she has a line up of beta-orbiters.
How to Cold Approach = Same as the previous one, imply that you are in-demand (never be seen making out with other girls) but friend zone her in a confident way.
"I'm glad you're not my type because that would make this friendship extremely complicated."
Insecure & Guarded
"Damn, you seem like you're having a fantastic day. Well just so you know, those nails, spot on. Good choice of color."
Brother's I have a love/hate relationship with compliments but with insecure & guarded girls, they want that male validation. After that, no more compliments. Turn your body language away, show negative body language.
This is what will happen... Her insecurities will have her alarms going off the minute you takeaway attention and give her less of you. Then her fear of loss will take care of the rest.
Insecure & Not Guarded
How to Know She's Insecure - She's probably really hot-looking (if you have trouble reading girls just assume the 'Hot' looking girls are insecure and the 'Beautiful/gorgeous' girls are less insecure).
She also is externally validated. As I say consistently, women love male attention. She might even get tipsy. When you make smart-ass comments, she loves it.
How to Know She's Not Guarded - You see her socializing with lots of different people. She's probably smiling a lot and having a good time.
BE WARNED: This type of girl is the kind of girl that can make you think she's into you, but she's really not that in to you and just a fucking tease. And I can guarantee you she has a line up of beta-orbiters.
How to Cold Approach: This is the easiest type to deal with. Girls calm down, I'm not calling you EASY. Here's what I mean... It will be easier to talk to her especially if she just went through a break-up. Also her insecurities will get her to be susceptible to more of "Fun" chit-chat than a "Challenging" conversation.
Now I want to get in to the reason's that cold approach can hurt you and how it comes across to girls. But remember brothers, show preselection, that is called a warm approach which is much better.
Cold Approach Looks Try-Hard
I remember a time where my friends challenged me several times that I can count on one hand to get a number.
And what happened as a result? I didn't go for it. Not only because other dudes were challenging me... I realized that girls picked up on it, they new why I approached pretty damn fast. So I used my humor to make them laugh to ease their nerves.
Then we talked, and exchanged social media instead. That in my mind, is the better alternative. Girls often don't like giving away their number. Handshakes are good for cold approach.
This worked for me. However, if you've read how to overcome rejection, you know that one girl (not in a good state) didn't accept the handshake. I decided to let it go. And that right there is why cold approach is try-hard.
Remember brothers, if this happens to you, it's not the end of the world. But after that incident... I realized cold approach does come across as try-hard.
If You Are Insecure, it Looks Needy
Brother's cold approach can hurt you and it DOES look needy if you aren't approaching with the right vibe.
You need to have zero ulterior motives. If you want to date more girls, rule of thumb, never be needy for a phone number. Yes, there's something to be said about extraction (which is the number close) but neediness is a turn-off.
Related Article: 10 SHOCKING Truths About Female Psychology
A lot of times guys will ask for the number way too fucking fast. Luckily in New York, I knew better than that. Either way, you need to drop expectations as I say in my book Closer's Guide to Seduction.
Learn to be HARMLESS brothers. I know I cover crazy dark topics on my blog, but that doesn't mean you act like a fucking weirdo in social situations. Be normal around girls and you are half way there. That's common fucking sense.
Cold Approach Lowers Your Value
Now that doesn't mean I think my readers are low value. I am simply pointing out to each and every one of you that cold approach does put you in the chasing mentality.
Again, this is why I recently had a huge self-actualization moment in my game recently. I don't like cold approach as much as I used to. In fact, the only time I cold approach is if I have no better alternative.
Even if you are a rockstar, or a skater dude or a biker, you think you are a badass, approaching a woman cold (without being warmed up) can hurt you.
Related Article: The Ultimate Guide to State Training
That is if you aren't prepared. So yes, to an extent, cold approach still has a lot of learning lessons to teach guys, so don't run it off entirely, just know that it does lower your value if you are not warmed up and READY to approach.
Remember brother's, I am not releasing this article to discourage you to learn this skill. However, it puts you in the role of inherently lowering your value because you are approaching HER.
After all, if your value was high enough, she would approach you, wouldn't she? I hope that makes sense brothers.
Interpersonal Hierarchies
This right here will literally shift your mindset when you understand what an interpersonal hierarchy really is brothers.
Everyone sizes you up. They judge you quickly. This is why I cover The Halo Effect very deeply and it's effectiveness on human attraction.
You can get mad at the fact that humans judge each other on looks all you want brothers, but when you are a GOOD-LOOKING man, this does separate you from other men that refuse to work on their health & fitness.
Here's what an interpersonal hierarchy is, essentially it's how people size you up. It's where you lie on the pecking order. Are you higher on the pecking order?
You need to see yourself as higher value. Here's the caveat to this my friends, this doesn't mean you start BRAGGING and say.., "Alright Adam, I won't cold approach because I'm too good for her."
No, do not be a pussy and go in to your unhealthy ego. Girls like cockiness but they don't like it when it's FORCED.
Cocky funny humor only works in moderation. Be willing to grow brothers.
The point here is you need to know where you stand on the social ladder. Learn more about this in my seduction eBook.
The reason for mentioning interpersonal hierarchies is you need to dial in your first impression if you don't want to eliminate cold approach entirely.
The Takeaway
If you really want to cold approach and not take it out of your game, I encourage you to use Extreme Alpha-ness.
What does that mean? Well it doesn't mean act like me on my podcast and swear frequently. Here's what it means...
Stop saying things you think people want to hear and instead, say what you want. Make self-expression your default setting. Critical lesson from my first dating eBook.
Stop acting in a way you think people expect you to and start doing what you want. Once you cultivate this mindset into all that you do, women will literally feel this magnetic pull towards you in everything you do.
They will know you're one of "those" guys that they love to be around (some might dislike it) even better. Now you can banter quickly easily find reasons you two don't get along.
And one of the best ways to really SHOW this mindset around girls is to figure out who YOU ARE and what your values are. Once you are aware of what they are, you begin to act in alignment with them in everything that you do.
I know I went on an inner game tangent but it's important to never forget your values before you cold approach.
Feel comfortable to comment below and let me know what you've found helpful in this article.
